Archive | December, 2014

Not at all together

15 Dec

A few nights ago, I stood in my kitchen cleaning dishes and cried.  I had already botched one attempt at dinner and had hastily thrown some pasta into boiling water in an effort to get something edible in front of the kids before their stomaches caved in.  The dishwasher was full of clean dishes, the sink and counter contained plenty of dirty dishes, two loads of laundry laughed at me from their baskets, Matt was trying to vacuum the filth out of our carpet, the twins both wanted to be held and were screaming mercilessly, and the big kids were feigning starvation.  It was one of those times when the weight of the masses overcame me and all I could do was cry.

And as I stood there, I was reminded of the movie Moms’ Night Out and the following clip which made me sob hysterically the first time I saw it because the truth of it in my own life was overwhelming.

Strangely, I have so many people tell me that I seem so together, but I feel like I am the most scattered, insane woman I know.  And, I too often tell myself that I am not enough–not enough for my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my church, my employees.  My house is an absolute wreck; my desk at work is quite possibly even worse; I am unable to serve at church like I want to; I have friends that I have not seen or spent time with in months who I miss desperately.  How in the world could I be enough for all of these people at the exact same time?

But just when my drowning seems most imminent, God mercifully sends someone my way with an olive branch to remind me that there is actually dry land out there somewhere even if I cannot see it yet.  Regardless of my circumstances, my failures, or my foolish expectations, I serve THE GOD of hope and restoration, of life and joy.  He promises me more than I can ever imagine for myself, and I don’t have to understand it all to know that He delights in me.  I can never be enough on my own, but He loves my broken mess of a self anyway.

And I don’t know about anyone else, but even when my head knows it all, my heart just sometimes needs to be reminded of that.

Having Twins…

6 Dec

Over the past year, I have encountered so many people who have said, “Oh, I always wanted twins!” or “I hope I will have twins one day!”  Let me go on record right now as saying that I was not ever one of those people, and I am positive that they are certifiable.  Sure, the ideas of cute matching outfits and precious posed pictures make the thought of having two babies a tiny bit appealing.  But the work for two infants is quite honestly kicking my rear end.  I’ll just be straight with you and say that having twins is nothing like I thought it would be!

I had just never given thought to exactly how hard it would be to simultaneously feed bottles to two screaming, squirming children.  (And I am refusing to think of the fast approaching intro to solids that is inevitable.  I barely get myself fed these days as it is!)  It also hadn’t occurred to me that both babies would employ the age old “dirty up the new” trick at the exact same time.  You know that trick… “this lady just put a fresh diaper on me so let me fill it with the foulest poop imaginable.  A new shirt?  Let me christen it with my last feeding!”  And the bleary morning hours are all the more exhausting when you are walking or rocking with ear-piercing screaming in stereo.  Well, and who even knew how hard it could be to carry 2 infant car seats as the boys apparently continue their quest to put on enough weight to be sumo wrestlers.  (Seriously–these are the fattest babies I’ve ever had!)

Yeah, I wasn’t expecting it to be like this.  No one could really have prepared me for how hard it would be.

You know, sometimes I prop both boys up in the recliner or on a pillow so that I can get just a moment’s break. Then they look at me at the exact same time with big blue eyes, and their faces break out into the widest grins, and my heart almost stops beating because I am so absolutely in love with two chubby, drooling bald guys.  Nothing could have prepared me for having both of my hands tickling on two baby bellies and hearing peals of laughter from them at the same time.  And every night, I get one of the boys swaddled and ready for bed, inhaling his baby scent and kissing his fuzzy head until I feel intoxicated with him, and then I become the most fortunate woman in the world to get to do the whole process all over again with the other baby.

Man, I surely didn’t think having twins would be like this.  There is no way anybody could have put into words the absolute exhilaration and total heart-bursting joy that having these twins would be.

I pretty sure that even though there is twice all of the hard stuff when it comes to twins, the good stuff is worth infinitely more than that!