Not at all together

15 Dec

A few nights ago, I stood in my kitchen cleaning dishes and cried.  I had already botched one attempt at dinner and had hastily thrown some pasta into boiling water in an effort to get something edible in front of the kids before their stomaches caved in.  The dishwasher was full of clean dishes, the sink and counter contained plenty of dirty dishes, two loads of laundry laughed at me from their baskets, Matt was trying to vacuum the filth out of our carpet, the twins both wanted to be held and were screaming mercilessly, and the big kids were feigning starvation.  It was one of those times when the weight of the masses overcame me and all I could do was cry.

And as I stood there, I was reminded of the movie Moms’ Night Out and the following clip which made me sob hysterically the first time I saw it because the truth of it in my own life was overwhelming.

Strangely, I have so many people tell me that I seem so together, but I feel like I am the most scattered, insane woman I know.  And, I too often tell myself that I am not enough–not enough for my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my church, my employees.  My house is an absolute wreck; my desk at work is quite possibly even worse; I am unable to serve at church like I want to; I have friends that I have not seen or spent time with in months who I miss desperately.  How in the world could I be enough for all of these people at the exact same time?

But just when my drowning seems most imminent, God mercifully sends someone my way with an olive branch to remind me that there is actually dry land out there somewhere even if I cannot see it yet.  Regardless of my circumstances, my failures, or my foolish expectations, I serve THE GOD of hope and restoration, of life and joy.  He promises me more than I can ever imagine for myself, and I don’t have to understand it all to know that He delights in me.  I can never be enough on my own, but He loves my broken mess of a self anyway.

And I don’t know about anyone else, but even when my head knows it all, my heart just sometimes needs to be reminded of that.

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